We just started, and the group is actually well into the book. Last week we discussed the women only book and I have to say that I learned a lot and discovered a few things. The chapter was all about how men are visual beings. I know, I know, we already knew that right? Well this time it was interesting because the author of the book really got into the nitty gritty of how guys are wired and the extent of their visual brains. It was really eye opening to have the guys in the small group confirm what was said in the book. It is sometimes shocking to find out not only how different our male counterparts are, but how sexually driven they are.
I'll admit, I am a fairly naive person. Even after 7 years of marriage, there are things that still make me blush and to this day I am usually unaware if a guy is hitting on me. No kidding, it is sometimes so bad that Bob has had to pull me over and say something to the effect of "Bethany, that guy is hitting on you and you are not exactly giving him the no signals," to which I innocently reply, "REALLY???!? I had no idea. What shouldn't I have said." I am sure many of you are laughing out there, but it is the truth. Throughout our marriage, Bob has lovingly walked me into a whole new world of "how guys think." It has dramatically changed clothing choices, situations, conversations and has opened my eyes to the plight of men.
God in his infinite wisdom designed men to be visual. So visual, in fact, that the mere sight of an attractive woman can have a guy revved up in about 10 seconds flat. Being so visually directed also means that images that are seen stay around and become like a photo book in a guys mind. Those images can be called upon constantly. Interestingly enough, though, it isn't always about sex for guys. Guys were made to admire beauty. Yes, it is physical and sometimes emotional, but not always sexual. This can be difficult to grasp because as a woman we just don't respond the same way. I was really humbled because, as we discussed the intricacies of the male mind, I noticed that many of the women of the group were responding with a lot of resistance, frustration and even anger. I think they were struggling with the issues of "If he really loves me and is committed to our marriage, why does he even notice other women?" I was further hit with the reality of how detrimental this issue can become in a marriage especially when there is no understanding, mis-communication and lets face it, bitterness.
Now I am not going to sit here and tell you that it is okay for your husband to let their visual minds go unchecked, or to check out every "hot lady" that comes around with abandon. Men seeking to honor and love their wives must be in a constant battle of keeping their thoughts pure and honoring their wives with their eyes. However, this is an area of our relationships that we can use to build or destroy one another, and we as the women have incredible power.
There are so many directions that I could take this post, and we could talk for a long time about this issue and its intricacies, but I want to focus on how we respond to this in our marriages. Here are 5 points that will be critical you on your quest to becoming the Best Wife Ever:
1-Be a source of safety for your husband. Your husband needs to know that you are a safe place to "come clean" about his struggles. He needs to firmly believe that you will love him, hear him, encourage him and help him even when what you hear hurts. We as women struggle with self image in general and can easily become threatened by the thought of our men seeing another woman. That feeling easily becomes anger, bitterness and resentment and we turn on our husbands instead of supporting them.
2-Don't tear him down, build him up. Men have tender spirits when it comes to their masculinity, especially where their wives are concerned. Men who are working to keep their thoughts clean and honoring struggle with how to handle the visual stimulations that come at them every day. It is a battle. An endless, persistent and vicious battle. A single sentence, a single word and sometimes a single look from you can strip him of his masculinity and quite literally wound or kill him on the "battlefield."
3-Remove your self image issues from the situation. Stop taking it personally, its not about you!! If you are in a relationship where this is a big issue, it can be very painful. I understand, but the issue is NOT about you. It is about him and the struggle he faces. Imposing your issues or blaming your self image issues on him will not stop or help the issue. Get yourself out of it and go back to point number 1.
4-Remember, you have issues and struggles too. Here it is ladies, YOU AREN'T PERFECT EITHER! You have issues and struggles, many of which your husband loves you enough to deal with and help you through. Your stuff may be different, but it is hard none the less. The moment you forget that you struggle is the moment you loose the ability to love your man and his struggles in the way you are supposed to.
5-Being the Best Wife Ever isn't easy. Numbers 1-4 will take a lot of work, a lot of patience, a lot of self sacrifice and a lot of unconditional love. Loving someone enough to support them through tough struggles takes strength and many times it means that you have to feel pain. Many times that pain comes from the very person that you love too. That is life, that is relationships, that is love. We live in an imperfect world where sometimes pain and heartache go with love and intimacy, embrace it.
