Lets Prioritize!

Okay, lets all face it, American priorities are seriously out of whack. We see it everywhere we look and many times we most clearly see it in our families and relationships. Our country is known for its busy, overdriven, workaholic, convenience ways and it has drastically impacted the face of the family. Moms and Dads are working 60, 70, 80+ hours a week, obesity is an epidemic, homes are disorganized, children are out of control, marriages are skating on thin ice, faith is being buried and homes are crumbling around us. YES, our priorities are sorely out of alignment.

For those of you who know me I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and shape my life around His principles. My intention writing this blog was not to have it be a "spiritual blog," but rather a "relational blog." No matter where you are or what you believe, you can get something from this. I must confess, however, that this blog is going to get spiritual because my life is NOTHING without the sacrifice of the Cross and the grace extended me from Jesus Christ. When I decided to talk about priorities, I knew that the first priority is a growing relationship with Christ. If you do not have that relationship, I encourage you wholeheartedly to consider a personal relationship with Him. Without Him I am nothing and all that I have comes from Him. The storms and stresses of this life are only made manageable because of His presence in my life.

Every day we prioritize. Whether or not you have an actual list of "to dos" that are carefully numbered and labeled matters not, trust me you prioritize your life. You decide to exercise over sleep, shower over eat, work over play, cook over clean, read to kids over work calls, sleep over sex and all other life decisions. Yes, you prioritize tasks and activities every day. What I want to address is a more general life list. Where does work, kids, husband, God, friends, yourself and community fit on the list of your life? Have you ever thought about it? Do you know that where you put each one of these will dramatically affect your life, your family, your happiness? Well then, lets list.

Your number one priority: A Relationship with God.
You were created out of the image of a perfect God, a loving God, a RELATIONAL God. He intended for you to live and work and grow in relationship with Him and all other relational creatures. Sadly we chose sin and in that choice, we selfishly told God that we could do better. Let me assure you, if our world is any indication we most certainly CANNOT. Without His presence working to transform our selfish ways we are getting lost in a sea of messed up people, broken marriages, misguided children and crumbling families. "The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Jesus Christ our Lord"(Romans 3:23). Know that "God so loved the world that He sent his only Son to die for you. So that whoever believes in Him and calls Him Savior will not perish, but will have eternal life" (John 3:16). Understand that Jesus is "The Way, the Truth and the Life, you don't get anywhere without HIM (John 14:6). Please understand that He must be first for all other facets of your life to be healthy and well prioritized.

Number Two: Your Spouse.
Yes, this one comes before your children! And for those of you who do not have children, it comes before work and extended family and friends....... Your spouse should be the next important priority after your relationship with God. So often we allow our spouses to take the back burner to our lives. This, however, is the reason why we as husbands and wives are "falling out of love" and having "irreconcilable differences." Your spouse needs to feel important in your life and if your children are getting in the way, its time to re-prioritize. You may think that answering every cry, loosing yourself in child care, getting your kid involved in everything and using all your energy on your children is benefiting them, but it isn't. Not if your marriage is falling apart in the process! Children are the most secure and happy inside of the confines of a functioning and loving family which starts with a functioning and loving marriage.

Number Three: Your Children
Yup, children come in third on the right kind of priority list. Remember that children are a supplement to your life, not your life. When God established marriage and families, he had every intention for children to enhance the marriage and grow the family. He wanted us as couples to be able to raise healthy children to grow up and start families of their own. It is critical that we know and understand that role in our children's lives, we are players in their lives, not their lives. Raising our children to make right choices from diapers to college is a priority to be sure but not the ultimate priority and not at the expense of our marriages! This being said, Children come BEFORE work. Now I know that I will touch a nerve for many women, but this is the fact, children need present parents. I understand that work for many is necessary to survive and that it for many is something that keeps them healthy. I get it, but it should never be pursued at the expense of your children. Please hear me when I say children must come before work whether that means you should adjust your life so that one parent can stay at home, or figure out a way to keep it balanced. You have such short time with them before they are gone......don't miss it.

Number 4: Your work.
This is one of the priorities that has gotten WAY out of whack in our American culture. We are working more hours than ever, sacrificing our time for the sake of our paycheck, leaving earlier, coming home later, exhausting ourselves climbing the corporate ladder and missing important events in our lives for the sake of our work. For many, work is falling squarely in the number one spot on our list and our families and lives are suffering for it. Keep your work in the right perspective. Money and success are nice, but can be easily taken away. Your heart, your relationships and your family are much more longstanding. Put your time into what matters and keep work in the right place.

Number 5: Your friends.
Friends are so important to our overall life health, but they are not the endall! This is especially hard for women because we are so relational and lets face it, we like to gossip and "Vent." The problem is that we prioritize our "venting" time with friends over actually talking and resolving issues with our spouses. We prioritize our gossiping time over time spent pouring joy and contentment into our children. Sadly we even prioritize "girl time" over time spent pursuing the Lord the ultimate giver of life and friendships. Your relationships with your friends are an important part of your life and personal health but come after your have a strong relationship with the Lord, a good relationship with your spouse, healthy relationships with your kids and the right relationship with your work.

Your community and all other facets of life come after these top 5. You, yourself, fit into all of them. I know it seems overwhelming, but remember that nothing happens overnight, and it is one small step after another that makes the difference. Start today by pursuing a relationship with Christ. With Him, your priorities will slowly and consistently fall into the right places.

You want me to date my husband?

Whoa, and you thought your dating days were over! Think again. Actually, now that you are married and possibly have kids in the marriage it is now more important than EVER to be dating. I know you are probably laughing at me right now going, "Yeah, I will get right on it Bethany right after we go to work, feed the baby, change the baby, hold the baby, feed the kids, potty train the toddler, pay the bills, do the dishes, clean the laundry, take the dog out, take the kids to school, take the kids to sports practice, go to church, take naps, sleep (ha) and repeat." I have just got to be kidding you right?

No, I am not, and I am more serious then ever that you have to make time to date one another. Okay, don't get anxious or stressed about having to fit yet another thing into your busy life, that's why I am writing this. I am not an expert at this dating thing, but Bob and I are committed to keeping our marriage alive so we do, in fact, date one another. I have some ideas and I also have some advice for that nervous mom or busy wife on how to prioritize date night and LOOK FORWARD TO IT!


First we need to remember what it was like to date. Remember that butterfly feeling that you got? Remember how meticulously you did your hair, picked out your outfit, put on your makeup and checked your reflection? Then remember how careful you were to not do anything embarrassing and make sure you always had your best foot forward? You thought of all manner of interesting questions to ask to give you a glimpse into the other person's life. If the date went well you waited anxiously for the second date call and hoped for that first kiss. Dating served a purpose, right? It allowed you to get to know someone personally, see what kind of interests you shared, open up time for discussion of beliefs, dreams, and hopes all while usually eating good food and doing fun activities.

So if the main reason for dating was to get to know someone, why is it so important to date your spouse? You probably know everything about them, after all you see them all of the time, live in the same house and share the same bed. They have seen you at your best and at your worst so all pretense is lost. What is the point? I want to suggest, that perhaps dating was and is actually a much deeper activity than we think it to be. Instead of being solely an activity you do, dating is a gesture, a conscious act of pursuing someone. It is intentionally saying "I want to be with you so much that I want to give you my sole and undivided attention. I want you to know that you are special and worth my effort." Dating inside of your marriage says to your spouse, "Honey, I know our life is busy, the baby is crying, we've been working all day, we're tired, the house is a mess and the dog pooped on the carpet, but you are as important to me now as you were when we first met and I want you to know it and make you feel special." Yes, that is how important dating is!

So now how do we fit it it? First of all, dating your spouse is not limited to "dinner and a movie." In fact, if you are a parent, your dates will most definitely not be dinner and a movie except on very special occasions (like when Grandma is visiting!). Be creative and remember, dating is about time with each other and not about where you go or what you do! MOST IMPORTANTLY IT IS NOT A PLANNING SESSION TO SYNC YOUR CALENDARS! It is also not about the time of day you go. Dating your spouse is about taking intentional time whenever you find it. If you don't have kids, find time in your work schedules and commit to keeping it. Don't let a last minute conference call, meeting or unresolved work issue change your plans. If you have kids, find a sitter. Maybe a neighbor, a close friend, a family member, someone from church. Don't leave child care to the last minute. If you have family close, ask them to commit to twice a month child care. If you don't have family, make friends and trade off child care! Do NOT let your kids be the excuse. Now I understand budget restraints and financial concern for babysitters, but PUT IT IN YOUR BUDGET! That money is a PRICELESS investment in your marriage.

I am going to take a moment and talk to the mom's out there who say, "Bethany, I would love to go on a date, but I just can't bear to leave my baby. I will worry about him/her all the time and not be able to enjoy myself." Okay, don't take this the wrong way....SERIOUSLY??? I understand the fear and I understand the deep connection to your child, but being an overprotective, paranoid, worry driven, child absorbed parent is a detriment to your own self, you marriage and YES, your child. Can you see how, once again, you have another excuse not to date your husband and this time the excuse is your own baby, the result of intimacy in your marriage? Why, once the babies come, we can so easily say, "thanks honey for your help making the little one, but I can't leave the baby with anyone else and he/she needs all of my attention. I will get to you if I have time, but it probably won't happen for a while because I need to be with the baby 24/7." I know it seems harsh, but ladies, this is NOT okay!

I am not suggesting that you hire a high school kid to watch your babies, or even the new neighbor that just moved in. I am suggesting that you find another mother that you trust implicitly to watch your kids, or perhaps a grandmother. Be a protective parent and find the right childcare then choose to let the worry go on the back burner for the hours with your husband. Two to three hours away from your baby is not only healthy for you, but it is also healthy for him/her. Keep your cell phone near you, but don't constantly check it, don't constantly talk about how worried you are either. Decide when you drop off your baby that from that moment until you come back your attention will be solely committed to your husband, conversation and all. You want to make him feel special for the next few hours by reminding him he is still the keeper of your heart.

Whew, now that we have put some stuff out on the line, I am going to finish this post with some great date "night" ideas. If you are like me, money is a bit tight so Bob and I are always looking for cheap dates. Here are some of our favorites:

-Go grocery shopping- I know it seems boring, but if you have super busy lives and have only an hour or two, this is a great way to spend time together. If you are shopping at a warehouse, go on sample day and see if you can collect all of the samples and have a sample picnic meal.

-Go to the park or take a walk-You get fresh air and exercise

-Stay home and play a game- Mancala is a great game. Up the stakes by making the looser of each round drop some clothing.

-Have sex-As a parent, if you are like Bob and I, your encounters are fast and dependent on the baby/kids. Well, here you go, give them to the sitter and enjoy an entire 2 hours of uninterrupted intimacy!

-Make dinner together and go out for dessert- Share a sunday or a milkshake with two straws.

-Go to the gym and take a class together, or go running outside

-Go to the mall and shop for each other. Shopping doesn't necessarily mean spending.

-Go to Victoria's Secret and put every piece of lingerie up against you for your husband to imagine you in. Make it extra fun by making him rate it from 1-10.

-Go to a furniture store and imagine how you would decorate your house if money were no object.

-Volunteer


Whatever you choose to do remember that it is about the gesture and not the activity!

Happy Dating!