No, I am not, and I am more serious then ever that you have to make time to date one another. Okay, don't get anxious or stressed about having to fit yet another thing into your busy life, that's why I am writing this. I am not an expert at this dating thing, but Bob and I are committed to keeping our marriage alive so we do, in fact, date one another. I have some ideas and I also have some advice for that nervous mom or busy wife on how to prioritize date night and LOOK FORWARD TO IT!
First we need to remember what it was like to date. Remember that butterfly feeling that you got? Remember how meticulously you did your hair, picked out your outfit, put on your makeup and checked your reflection? Then remember how careful you were to not do anything embarrassing and make sure you always had your best foot forward? You thought of all manner of interesting questions to ask to give you a glimpse into the other person's life. If the date went well you waited anxiously for the second date call and hoped for that first kiss. Dating served a purpose, right? It allowed you to get to know someone personally, see what kind of interests you shared, open up time for discussion of beliefs, dreams, and hopes all while usually eating good food and doing fun activities.
So if the main reason for dating was to get to know someone, why is it so important to date your spouse? You probably know everything about them, after all you see them all of the time, live in the same house and share the same bed. They have seen you at your best and at your worst so all pretense is lost. What is the point? I want to suggest, that perhaps dating was and is actually a much deeper activity than we think it to be. Instead of being solely an activity you do, dating is a gesture, a conscious act of pursuing someone. It is intentionally saying "I want to be with you so much that I want to give you my sole and undivided attention. I want you to know that you are special and worth my effort." Dating inside of your marriage says to your spouse, "Honey, I know our life is busy, the baby is crying, we've been working all day, we're tired, the house is a mess and the dog pooped on the carpet, but you are as important to me now as you were when we first met and I want you to know it and make you feel special." Yes, that is how important dating is!
So now how do we fit it it? First of all, dating your spouse is not limited to "dinner and a movie." In fact, if you are a parent, your dates will most definitely not be dinner and a movie except on very special occasions (like when Grandma is visiting!). Be creative and remember, dating is about time with each other and not about where you go or what you do! MOST IMPORTANTLY IT IS NOT A PLANNING SESSION TO SYNC YOUR CALENDARS! It is also not about the time of day you go. Dating your spouse is about taking intentional time whenever you find it. If you don't have kids, find time in your work schedules and commit to keeping it. Don't let a last minute conference call, meeting or unresolved work issue change your plans. If you have kids, find a sitter. Maybe a neighbor, a close friend, a family member, someone from church. Don't leave child care to the last minute. If you have family close, ask them to commit to twice a month child care. If you don't have family, make friends and trade off child care! Do NOT let your kids be the excuse. Now I understand budget restraints and financial concern for babysitters, but PUT IT IN YOUR BUDGET! That money is a PRICELESS investment in your marriage.
I am going to take a moment and talk to the mom's out there who say, "Bethany, I would love to go on a date, but I just can't bear to leave my baby. I will worry about him/her all the time and not be able to enjoy myself." Okay, don't take this the wrong way....SERIOUSLY??? I understand the fear and I understand the deep connection to your child, but being an overprotective, paranoid, worry driven, child absorbed parent is a detriment to your own self, you marriage and YES, your child. Can you see how, once again, you have another excuse not to date your husband and this time the excuse is your own baby, the result of intimacy in your marriage? Why, once the babies come, we can so easily say, "thanks honey for your help making the little one, but I can't leave the baby with anyone else and he/she needs all of my attention. I will get to you if I have time, but it probably won't happen for a while because I need to be with the baby 24/7." I know it seems harsh, but ladies, this is NOT okay!
I am not suggesting that you hire a high school kid to watch your babies, or even the new neighbor that just moved in. I am suggesting that you find another mother that you trust implicitly to watch your kids, or perhaps a grandmother. Be a protective parent and find the right childcare then choose to let the worry go on the back burner for the hours with your husband. Two to three hours away from your baby is not only healthy for you, but it is also healthy for him/her. Keep your cell phone near you, but don't constantly check it, don't constantly talk about how worried you are either. Decide when you drop off your baby that from that moment until you come back your attention will be solely committed to your husband, conversation and all. You want to make him feel special for the next few hours by reminding him he is still the keeper of your heart.
Whew, now that we have put some stuff out on the line, I am going to finish this post with some great date "night" ideas. If you are like me, money is a bit tight so Bob and I are always looking for cheap dates. Here are some of our favorites:
-Go grocery shopping- I know it seems boring, but if you have super busy lives and have only an hour or two, this is a great way to spend time together. If you are shopping at a warehouse, go on sample day and see if you can collect all of the samples and have a sample picnic meal.
-Go to the park or take a walk-You get fresh air and exercise
-Stay home and play a game- Mancala is a great game. Up the stakes by making the looser of each round drop some clothing.
-Have sex-As a parent, if you are like Bob and I, your encounters are fast and dependent on the baby/kids. Well, here you go, give them to the sitter and enjoy an entire 2 hours of uninterrupted intimacy!
-Make dinner together and go out for dessert- Share a sunday or a milkshake with two straws.
-Go to the gym and take a class together, or go running outside
-Go to the mall and shop for each other. Shopping doesn't necessarily mean spending.
-Go to Victoria's Secret and put every piece of lingerie up against you for your husband to imagine you in. Make it extra fun by making him rate it from 1-10.
-Go to a furniture store and imagine how you would decorate your house if money were no object.
-Volunteer
Whatever you choose to do remember that it is about the gesture and not the activity!
Happy Dating!
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